Last Chemo!

I didn’t realize how excited I would be until I woke up with all this nervous energy. There is never any certainty in this trek we call cancer. As I celebrate my last treatment, I look around the chemo suite not knowing who is just beginning and needs my joy to give them hope, or who is on a trek that will not have a joyous end. So I take a moment to feel gratitude for this joyous moment. I get to ring the damn bell. (See earlier post for context.)  

One of my doctors warned me that the transition from active treatment to survivorship can feel strange, and it does. The last few months have felt like suspended animation. I have counted as “in remission” since my surgery last August. But that’s a hard thing to relax into when you still have a long treatment road ahead: radiation, more chemo, more surgery. It’s a strange place to be, ready to move on but not quite done.

Now as I shift out of active treatment I must learn to move on in spite of uncertainty. Once a cancer patient, always a cancer patient, no matter how good the prognosis. My doctor reflected that cancer patients are asked to notice and mention every little change—but then told not to worry! Such a hard thing to ask of us. But I will learn to trust this. I will celebrate, and I will live my life. I will treasure all the moments, do all the things, and cherish the people who have been there. I will ring the damn bell!